Auntie Elfi's Advice Column April 8, 2026

 Dear Auntie Elfi,

I just spent three hours working on a project and then accidentally deleted the whole thing. I want to throw my laptop out the window and move to a cave. What should I do?

— Digitally Desperate

Dear DD,

Auntie Elfi once accidentally overwrote half of the zines she had written. The self hatred was strong in this one. Then I realized that life is too short for that bullshit, and wrote three more zines that night.

Go take a warm shower, stand under the spray for a while, relax, have a cup of chamomile tea, and forgive yourself.

Then get back to work.

Dear Auntie Elfi,

My neighbor keeps giving me 'helpful' advice on how to raise my dogs, but their own dog is a holy terror that won't stop barking. I want to be polite, but I’m about ten seconds away from telling them where to shove their training manual. Help!

— Barking Mad

Dear Barking,

Auntie Elfi is not religious, but when somebody tells her how to do something that they have obviously failed to do, she remembers that whole bible thing about not criticizing the splinter in somebody else's eye when the critic has an entire plank in their own eye.

It is time to learn the skills of  "The Polite Nod and the Internal Middle Finger."

In other words, realize that this person is a hypocritical know-it-all ass, and that they don't know wtf they're talking about. To keep peace in your neighborhood, nod your head and make polite uh huh sounds, and let the useless advice flow in one ear and out the other.

And when you hear her nasty little dog barking, put in some ear plugs. They are worth the investment.

Dear Auntie Elfi,

I’m feeling super guilty because I spent my whole Saturday horizontal on the couch watching reruns instead of doing the 'productive' things on my to-do list. I feel like a lazy failure. How do I get my motivation back?

— Couch Potato

Hello Spud!

Auntie Elfi truly understands the desire to lay around and not do chores and tasks that are exhausting. And if you want to do that now and then, who the hell is telling you that you cannot? Is it an inner voice? Your spouse? Some idiot on the intarwebz? Whoever it is, tell them to fuck off, that you're taking a personal day for a change because if you don't, you are likely to go nuclear soon.

Because people DO go nuclear if they work work work all the time. Everybody needs a break, so bloody well enjoy your break, hell, take Sunday off too, and get back on being productive NEXT week.

Auntie Elfi has spoken.

Dear Auntie Elfi,

I have a friend who only ever calls me when they have a crisis. I want to be supportive, but I’m starting to feel like a 24-hour trauma counselor instead of a friend. I feel like a jerk for wanting to hit "ignore" on my phone. Am I a bad person?

— The Human Sponge

My Dear Sponge,

Friendship is a two way street. Both parties need to give, both parties need to take. It sounds like everything in this so-called friendship is very one sided, she is taking all the time, and you are giving. That is flat out emotionally and psychologically exhausting.

You need to test the waters, share a crisis with her and see what her reaction is. If she brushes you off, or begins ranting about her own needs, well, honey, that there is a dead fucking friendship and it is time to walk away.

You are NOT a bad person for having needs too, and not wanting the trauma dumping on a regular basis. You are NOT bad for wanting your friendship to be based on other things than her misery.

It's hard to walk away from somebody we've known for a long time, but sometimes it is necessary.

Good luck.

Auntie Elfi, signing off.